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As the author of the list below, I was
dismayed by the outpouring of vitriol which greeted what I thought was a very
reasonable list of suggestions. (To check up on this, just search on Google
for "fifty mistakes men make when having s e x". You'll soon see what I mean.)
Thank heavens, then, for the intelligent commentary provided by Jeff Pack.
Most welcome - some incisive analysis in the midst of the sea of unreason that
is the internet. Thanks Jeff! Go here to see it:
Jeff Pack's blog
Just in case you thought the route to sexual
bliss was straightforward, here's a list of things to avoid. They're all
pretty much guaranteed passion killers for a woman - and if your check list
contains more than ten of these, you've got some serious work to do on your
sexual etiquette!
1 Going straight for her erogenous zones
You've got to be sensitive to the fact that a
woman is more likely to be irritated than aroused when a man dives for her
breasts and vulva after a few minutes' perfunctory kissing. While you might
get to feel the goods, you're not going to be invited back.
2 Not knowing how to kiss sensitively
Passionate or sensitive, firm or gentle, good
kissing is an art form which lubricates the wheels of sex and gets everyone in
the mood for more intimacy. Learn how to kiss, and do it well. That doesn't
mean sticking your tongue in her mouth and wiggling it around like you're
trying to floss her teeth.
3 Being too
rough when you touch her erogenous zones
Men like a
firmer touch than women, especially when it comes to our penises. So if you
touch her clitoris with as much force as you apply to your penis when you
masturbate, she's most likely to howl with pain - and then kick you out of
bed. Remember: the clitoris has twice as many nerve endings as the penis, in a
much smaller area. Treat it with respect. It's the only organ in the human
body that has no function other than to provide pleasure.
4 Not stroking
and caressing her
A woman's
second biggest sex organ is her skin. (The first is her mind.) You can make
your touch on any part of her body into a sexy caress, but you have to focus
on what you're doing and put some sexual energy into your fingers while you
caress her. That means not thinking about the baseball game while you're
giving her a sensuous massage.
5 Locking onto
her nipples like a suckling child
Yes, we know
it's fun for you. To her it just feels like she's got a teething infant
hanging off her breast. Lick and kiss around her whole breast before you go
for the nipple, then flick your tongue gently across the nipple and around the
areolae. If she likes what you're doing, you'll know by her moans of pleasure.
6 Biting on her earlobe because you think it's sexy
She may not
agree with you. In which case it will just be irritating for her, not a
prelude to her turning into the sex goddess you thought you were summoning up.
7 Leaving a
hickey on her neck like a teenage badge of honor
If you're over
sixteen, this is a no-no. If you need to know why, you're obviously under
sixteen.
8 Not shaving before sex
When you're in
the throes of passion, having your beard stubble brushing back and forth
across her face isn't so sexy, but at least it'll produce a red rash she can
remember you by.
9 Not washing your pits and bits before you have sex
If there's one
thing that turns women off, it's a lover whose personal hygiene isn't up to
scratch. Even though men have a higher smell threshold than women, keeping
yourself clean - especially in the more intimate corners of your anatomy (like
under your foreskin) - is not just a matter of courtesy, it's a ticket back to
the bedroom.
10 Forgetting
she has a sensuous body waiting to be stroked
Pretty much the same point we already made up
above, but worth remembering: touch doesn't just have to be in the bedroom, a
prelude to sex. In fact, if you touch her a lot in a loving way during the
day, she'll be ready to melt into your arms by bedtime.
11 Trying to
get your fingers in her underwear before she's ready
This is the
mark of a gauche teenage lover who wants to get to fourth base just so he
feels more accomplished as a lover. Take your time, let things evolve
naturally, and apply a little sensuous touch on the fabric covering her vulva
before you dive under the elastic. The hint of what's to come is often more
erotic than diving straight in there.
12 Dropping the condom on the floor
Must we say why
this isn't the most popular move post sex? Dispose of the condom tidily in a
tissue - put it in the bin rather than down the toilet, or it's likely to
float there for some time to come as a reminder of your sexual encounter.
13 Going
straight for the clitoris during oral sex or masturbation
Like we said above, most women just find this
irritating - and, if you press too hard, bloody uncomfortable too. Your first
caresses should be on her labia, the lips of her vulva, then as she gets more
aroused, you can work nearer the clitoris itself. But even when she's aroused
a soft touch along the sides of her clitoris may be more acceptable for her
than any pressure on the head of her clitoris.
14 Breaking off
just as she's getting to the point where she wants you to keep going at all
costs
Women often get so lost in their sexual arousal
that they forget to give feedback. In reality, the fact that she's lying there
quietly may actually mean she loves what you're doing; if so, you should feel
her pressing her vulva against your mouth or fingers, or shifting like she
wants more touch, rather than giving you a sense that she'd rather be out
shopping.
15 Undressing
her clumsily
Listen up guys: you don't have to be able to
take her bra off with one hand, behind her back, while kissing her. In fact,
in my experience, it's better if you don't try. She probably puts it on by
fastening it first and pulling it over her head anyway. Let her take off the
garments you don't understand, and whenever you do lend a helping hand,
undress her gently and sensuously rather than pulling at her clothes like
you're ripping the paper off a birthday present.
16 Undressing
yourself inelegantly - which includes taking your socks off after your
underwear
Nothing is more comical (or pathetic) to a
woman than a man in his socks and pants. Except possibly a naked man wearing
socks. If you don't understand why, just accept that it is so.
17 Expecting
her to shave for you
You might like the baby smooth look around her
vulva, but she's more likely to see this as a prickly route to itchy stubble.
Ask her nicely if you'd like her to go smooth. If she says "no", accept that
graciously.
18 Sticking a
finger up her vagina before she's ready, willing and able
In general, women do like to be penetrated just
as much as men like to penetrate, which, considering how much men like to
stick things up there, is just as well. However, she'll only want you to do
this when the time is right - i.e. when she's aroused enough to enjoy it. If
you're giving her clitoris attention, there'll be a point where she might like
to have a finger or two inside her. If so, be gentle, and start with one
finger on her G-spot. Make sure she enjoys this before you put another one up
there. Two fingers on her G-spot is probably as much as she will want. And be
just as firm with your touch as she finds pleasurable. If you don't know what
the G-spot is, then do some Google-ing before you get into bed.
19 Entering her without asking her first
What is it with men and these dark, wet places?
Just keep in mind that she decides how far sex goes, and if she doesn't want
to enjoy intercourse then don't press the point. This applies especially to
any strategy that involves nudging your penis into position and then pressing
forward without her consent, verbal or otherwise! Having said that, you don't
always need to ask "May I enter you?" though it can be a romantic and sexy
thing to do if you're looking deep into her eyes. Needless to say, that's most
likely to happen in the man on top position, which, by the way, remains
everyone's most popular position for sex.
20 Pecking away
around her vagina with your penis if you can't find the way in
This is, by all
accounts, many women's least desired sexual moment. If for any reason you
can't get in, don't pretend you're in control and keep trying. Simply ask her
to guide you in with her hand. That way you'll save a lot of embarrassment,
not to mention time.
20 Pumping away
without regard for her pleasure
When you've
achieved your most desired objective, and your penis is inside her, you'll
want to show a certain consideration for her pleasure. She may want hard and
fast thrusting, but it's best to start slow and shallow. While you're making
love, she'll most appreciate your efforts if you're masculine and strong -
which is to say, if you act like you know what you're doing, you're
considerate and gentle at first, and work up to firm and strong thrusts if she
likes them.
21 Expecting
her to make love bottom up
Yes, we all enjoy rear entry. But she may be
more self-conscious of her butt, she may feel like a sex object, and she may
not like the rather impersonal nature of this position. If you really want to
do it, and you explain to her why you like it so much (i.e. "It's incredibly
exciting to see your gorgeous bottom as we make love", rather than "I get so
turned on fucking from behind") she'll probably co-operate from time to time,
even if it's only on your birthday and hers.
22 Thrusting
too hard
If you happen to be well-endowed, or she has a
short vagina, and you thrust too hard, you may end up banging her cervix. This
can make her shriek, though sadly not with sexual pleasure.
22 Coming
before she's got excited or begun to enjoy sex
There aren't
many men who can last long enough to really satisfy a woman who enjoys vaginal
intercourse and G-spot stimulation. If you can't be bothered learning how to
be a long lasting lover, then at least have the decency to keep going for a
few minutes so she gets some pleasure. This isn't hard, and there are plenty
of ways you can learn to extend intercourse and not come so quickly. Do some
research on Google for "end premature ejaculation". See also number 26.
23 Not coming
at all - or losing your erection when you put the condom on
If you're one of that rarer breed of men who
has trouble coming during intercourse, may we respectfully suggest you see a
sexual therapist? You can then deal with this problem, learn to come more
quickly, and avoid giving her a numb vagina and an intimate knowledge of the
exact shade of color you painted your bedroom ceiling. If you're one of the
many men who lose their erection when the condom comes out of its foil wrapper
and onto the head of your penis, it's back to Google for a search on,
surprisingly enough, "losing erection when putting on a condom".
24 Asking her
how it was for her
This is not the mark of a confident lover, so
if you really want some feedback, phrase it thus: "Did you prefer it when I
did X or Y?"
25 Not going
down on her when she wants oral pleasure
Since oral sex on a woman is so pleasurable for
most men, this seems unlikely. But if it's a question of the smell or taste
being a bit much for you, try taking a shower or bath together before sex. If
you just want her to fellate you and you simply can't be bothered to
reciprocate with cunnilingus, then reading these tips isn't going to help you
much anyway.
26 Failing to
give her pleasure if you come quickly
Remember the motto: "Women come first!" As a
man, you're probably going to lose interest in sex once you've ejaculated - at
least for a while. In which case, make sure she comes through oral sex or
masturbation before you enter her. That way, she gets her pleasure and so do
you. (With the added bonus that it doesn't matter so much if you shoot quite
quickly.) Just to enter her, thrust a few times, come, roll over and forget
about her is the mark of a boorish lover, and you wouldn't want to be one of
those, now would you?
27 Trying to force her head towards your cock
Let's face it: she's either willing to give
your oral sex or she's not. Trying to persuade her to get her lips around your
glans by edging her head towards your groin is a bit crass, to say the least.
If she doesn't seem to be heading that way as things hot up, just ask her:
"There's something you could do that'd give me so much pleasure....."
28 Trying to
force her head further down on her cock when she's giving you oral
Yes, once again we know it feels good, but you
have to be considerate about it. She's not likely to be a deep throat expert,
and there's no reason why she should be, since most of the pleasure of oral
sex comes from the action of her tongue on your glans. Keep your hands away
from her head unless it's to gently stroke her hair, and you won't feel the
temptation to encourage her to go deeper.
29 Holding her
head when she goes down on you
Pretty similar to number 28, but this time,
holding her head and moving it up and down on your penis is the no-no. If you
think that's acceptable sexual etiquette you've been watching too many of the
wrong kind of films.
30 Coming in her mouth without asking her if
it's OK
The taste of semen is very much an acquired
taste; unfortunately it's one that few woman ever acquire. If she doesn't like
it, ask her to keep going until the last minute, then tell her when you're
going to come so she can move back and finish the job with a well-lubed hand.
You'll get just as much pleasure, and she won't have to gag or spit your semen
out. By the way, accidentally forgetting to tell her you're going to come is
not permitted.
31 Thinking
that a porno movie has anything to do with real life
Porn is not good for men's egos. Real life
isn't like that, OK?
32 Switching on
a hard core porn film without asking whether that's OK with her
Even if you find it arousing, she's not likely
to, for the simple reason that much of the porn available today is fairly
abusive to women. Ask her first, and if you want to share the erotic thrill of
watching people have sex, get hold of some romantic sex movies that will
appeal to her emotions as well as her sex drive.
33 Apologizing for the size of your penis
Just in case you ever feel inclined to
apologize for not matching up to the guys in the wrong kind of movies, just
remember: 98% of women would rather have a sensitive lover than one with a big
penis. If you're with one of the other two percent, you need to find a new
lover.
34 Answering
honestly when she asks you what your last lover was like
Guys, when a woman asks you if her butt is too
big, do you tell her the truth? Enough said. Your current lover is always the
most gorgeous, sexy and desirable woman around. Even if she doesn't really
believe it, that's what she wants to hear.
35 Asking her
if she'd mind if her girlfriend joined you
Threesomes can be exciting, but they usually
just cause jealousy and upset when one partner unexpectedly finds they don't
want their partner making out with another person. Needless to say, this
usually happens to the woman. So be sure, be very sure, you know what you're
doing before you try this one.
36 Making her
do all the work
Changing
positions is all very well, but asking her to ride you each time you have sex
seems a bit one sided. Vary the positions, have fun, and take equal shares of
the work. Don't just settle for one favorite position and flog it to death.
37 Trying to
slip it in the back door by "accident"
Anal sex is something that a lot fewer couples
have tried than you'd believe from what you read on the internet or see in
porn. It's something you might like to try, but you both have to want to do
it. She's not likely to respond with warmth if you keep pretending you're
poking her anus by accident. And she won't believe you if you tell her you
just didn't want to ask for directions, even if that's how you are when you're
driving around lost, looking for somewhere.
38
Photographing or videoing your lovemaking
Unfortunately, as many jilted lovers can
testify, taking pictures while you enjoy sex is putting power in the hands of
the person who has the pictures. A good compromise is to link your video
camera direct to your TV without recording the images. That way you can have
the erotic thrill of seeing yourself during sex without having to worry about
seeing yourself having sex on the internet in a few years' time.
39 Getting into
the same old same old routine every time you have sex
Above almost everything else (except possibly
being deeply in love), ringing the changes when you make love is the thing
that will keep your sex life fresh and passionate. You'll be surprised just
how exciting it can be when you try a new position. This is simply because
every position puts a different pressure on the penis and vagina, or gives you
a new perspective of your partner's body, or perhaps allows you to see
entering your partner's body, and so on. Exactly which sex position feels most
pleasurable will depend on the shape and size and shape of your penis and her
vagina.
40 Not
romancing her
Women love
romance. Men put up with it, or do it to get sex. True or false? Probably
true, but the romantic "chase" is deeply rewarding for most men (i.e. seducing
and winning a woman makes us feel deeply fulfilled), and romance is an
essential part of that process. If you're able to continue being romantic once
you're an established couple, then you set yourself head and shoulders above
the rest of your fellow men, and you stand that much greater chance of getting
regular, passionate sex.
41 Slapping her
buttocks without checking if she's into a little dominance play
No mater how exciting you may find the idea,
don't land a heavy slap on her butt without trying a few lighter ones first
and seeing how she reacts. If you do, you may get a slap in the face. Or a
kick in the balls.
42 Trying to do sex by the book (or the film)
Don't copy the moves you see in porn films.
They lack a certain something. Consideration for the woman, that would be.
43 Playing with
her anus before she's excited enough to appreciate it
When you're masturbating her clitoris, and you
have a finger inside her vagina, you may find that she responds well to a
little anal play. If you have the position right, you can use your little
finger to tickle gently at her anus as your forefinger plays with her G-spot.
This may well add to her excitement - especially if she's on the verge of
orgasm. If you try this before she's really excited and has stopped caring
what's happening to her, you might just turn her off completely, so it might
not be a bad idea to check it out with her in advance.
44 Deafening
her by shouting in her ear when you come
An easy mistake
to make, especially if you like to have sex in the man on top position lying
close to your partner, and you like to let the world know when you come.
Unfortunately she won't let you do it a second time, so bury your face in the
pillow or something if you're prone to uncontrollable vocal ejaculations as
well as physical ones.
45 Talking
dirty without checking if she likes it
Generally a little consensual dirty talk
between adults adds to the excitement. The first time your partner tells you
to f*** her hot wet c*** you'll see what I mean. If that hasn't happened yet,
and you'd like it to, encourage her to talk dirty to you when you're making
love, and see what pops out of her mouth. You might be surprised. Remember
legend has it that the quiet ones are often the most surprising in bed!
46 Lying on top
of her without supporting your weight on your arms
Always remember: a gentleman takes his weight
on his arms. Or elbows, or knees, or something.
47 Ejaculating
on her without asking permission
Coming between her breasts or on her vulva or
bottom can be incredibly exciting, but it's nice to ask her first. She may see
it less a mark of your ejaculatory prowess or manhood than a mess to clear up.
48 Not
controlling your ejaculation
Like we said before, a good lover makes the
effort to make sure his partner is satisfied before he is.
49 Not spending
some time with her in your arms after sex
A man who gets up after he's done the business
and sets about his daily routine is probably top of most women's sexual
dislikes. For her, this is a special time when a woman feels very close to her
partner. She takes much longer to come down from sex than a man does, she
wants to know she's loved and special, and she wants to feel adored by the man
to whom she has just given her most precious asset. The very least you can do
is to spend a half hour or so cuddling her while you relax after making love,
even if you're not going to spend the night with her.
50 Not cleaning
up after sex
And since sex
inevitably involves a certain amount of fluids, keep the tissues handy for
afterwards. If you feel like being chivalrous, offer her a warm towel to clean
herself, especially if you aren't using condoms.
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