One of the things that you need to know about
sexual dysfunction is that you are the true expert in both understanding it
and curing it.
A therapist or counselor can only help you explore new solutions if you understand what's going on for yourself. If recognizing that some kind of problem exists is the first step towards curing it, then the second step is being in a state of readiness to actually resolve it. You may be wondering what happens next? Well, the answer is that you and your partner need to communicate and work together on a solution.
You see, the main fuel for resolving sexual dysfunction is talking to each other. By actively and mindfully listening to what you actually say about your problem, about your partner, you're going to find a whole new route to easy and open communication on sexual issues.
So you need some kind of recording device, in which you can actually record your thoughts to consider them later. One of the things that's important here is that simply thinking about things doesn't go far enough. If you're just thinking, then quite often your thoughts disappear into thin air and you can't recall them later. The truth is, thoughts disappear as quickly as they come. And of course your memory isn't entirely reliable either -- selective memory is a common phenomena in all areas of life.
Furthermore, many people never speak about their sexual problems, not even to a close friend or relationship partner. Simply speaking your truth can often be a form of resolution in itself, guiding you to a solution. And furthermore, as you may well know, even when we appear to be listening we very frequently are not actually doing so. Recording what you think and feel on a recording device will allow you to listen to it in a reflective way later and genuinely move you towards a process of change.
You may speak about your problems in your own words, using a form that's comfortable to you. You do not have to be a good or even adept speaker, you simply have to know something about the problem that you're dealing with, and take this as a good opportunity for you to state your feelings. If you're working with your partner, you should each record some information about how you're feeling, though you don't at first have to discuss these with each other. If you state your feelings openly and honestly into the recording device, you do not need to ever allow your partner to listen to it, which means that you have the opportunity to express how you're feeling from your point of view without fear of hurting him or her.
To start with, describe the problem in the best way that you can: how do you think it started; how often does it occur, and when does it occur? If you have some kind of handle on this problem, think back to how long it's been present, and when you first noticed it; and since problems almost always represent an opportunity in some form, consider what you would do without the problem.
Now have a few minutes reflecting on how you've handled the problem so far; what have you done about the problem with your own resources? Have you actually talked to your partner or any friend about how you might resolve the issue? Have you sought professional help, looked on the Internet, or read some information in the book about the problem?
A good resource for resolving sexual issues can be found here. Now consider what you want for yourself. What is your goal in going through a process of analysis and trying to find a solution? Yes, curing the problem may well be your immediate objective, but what is the specific goal in terms of behavior that you would like to be able to do without this problem manifesting itself?
What do you think were the influences in your sexual experience that may have been responsible for causing this problem?
In this context you may like to consider the following questions: Who taught you about sex? What attitudes or beliefs did you pick up from the people who taught you about sex? And what were your past experiences? By past experiences we are referring to things such as childhood sexual games, early experiences of masturbation, your adolescent sexual experiences, perhaps those involving the same sex, and your emotional responses to these experiences.
How do you feel about those experiences now? What do you think they taught you? If you had a variety of sexual experiences did you go through guilt or shame, and if you did, is that in some way reminiscent of your childhood or adolescent sexual experience? Do you feel that your early experiences, whether they took part in secret, or openly with others, or within a relationship, have any bearing on your current sexual difficulties? The penis is a very sensitive area for men, and a lot of issues can arise around it. How do you feel about your own sexuality and your own body, particularly about your penis? Is it big enough? Does it function for you? Does it give you pleasure? If you had an ideal penis, what would it do for you? Are your erections good enough? Can you pleasure your partner successfully? If not have you considered how you might learn to control your ejaculation, perhaps using a program like this one - orgasm by command reviewed so that you can get the sexual skills you need to enjoy a better relationship with your sexual partner?
If you were in an ideal sexual relationship, what would be happening right now? How would your sex life be different? This question can be really important, because it can actually give you a real clue as to what you need or want in life from your sexual relationships.
Finished recording? Good. If you replay your recording now you should be able to reach
some simple conclusions about how you feel towards yourself a sexual being.
Now, consider your liabilities: the things that you don't like about yourself, the bad habits that get in the way of good sex. It may surprise you to hear that you don't actually need to unlearn or wipe out old behavior; all you have to do is replace it with a new one, or rather, adopt a new one, leaving the old one to wither away. We are humans, and our minds are flexible: those things that don't satisfy us sexually can be replaced by new skills and new habits which we can choose to adopt. If you really want to change your sexual behavior you can do so simple by making the decision to do that and then by learning a new behavior and using it when it's appropriate to do so.
Of course if you're within a relationship, nothing is ever quite so simple. Your partner may be both a liability to you in some ways and an asset: at the very least, he or she may be a person willing to experiment with you to try new sexual behaviors and to learn new things that you can do together.
You see, readiness is a human quality that gives you the power to recognize that there is something else beyond what you're doing at the moment. Chang is not about the games people play, as Eric Berne had it, so long ago: it's actually about authenticity, integrity, and responsibility.
By first identifying what it is you want from a sexual relationship, and then by finding ways to achieve it, you can transform the pleasure and satisfaction that you get in your intimate sexual life.
A good (i.e. clear) intention has massive power to change things, and the motivating force behind this is simply the expectation of satisfaction, pleasure, and joy. There's a formula that gurus of positive thinking use to motivate people in the process of change:
desire + belief + expectancy = an outcome.
You see how your readiness, your expectancy, can actually motivate you: it's a blend of what I call purposefulness and readiness -- that is to say, you know what you want to do, and you believe that you can get it.
Hopefulness is powered by positive thinking and positive expectation, supplemented by action designed to move you in the direction you wish to go.
One of the keys to getting what you want in a sexual relationship is looking at your fantasies.
Your fantasies probably represent something very deep for you, and a process of fantasizing also allows you to envisage your future goals. Creating a productive fantasy is more or less equivalent to putting your future to work for you.
When you use the amazing sexual stimulation techniques described in this video series on your female partner, you'll become a sex god!