Every penis in the world
sometimes fails to perform.
That's a natural fact of life, yet many
men still believe they should be able to "get it up" whenever they are being
sexual, and their first experience of "failure" leaves them worried and expecting
it to droop again.
But men often experience some
erectile difficulties, especially with a partner who is either very
inexperienced or very experienced, maybe somewhat critical perhaps, or putting
high expectations on him.
For any man who is unsure of his
sexuality, doubtful about his sexual identity, or not certain of his
masculinity, the fear of impotence can be a renewed source of self-doubt with
every sexual encounter.
And of course some drugs - both
medical and recreational - as well as stress, alcohol, tiredness, and a host of
other things can cause erectile problems.
But whatever the original event
that caused the loss of erection, if a man is not relaxed about it, or fears it
may happen again - well, it probably will.
Men often have sexual secrets which are not
shared with anyone, and these secrets can cause stress and sexual problems.
when a man finds that he is
secretly attracted to other men
when a man finds he is more attracted to another woman than he is to his
wife or partner
when a man has fantasies about
which he is ashamed
when a man fears his penis is too small
when a man is ashamed of some sexual secret (such as using porn
or visiting prostitutes)
For most men who have
difficulties in other areas of their lives that are causing them erectile
problems, the cure begins with gradually uncovering and working through the
issues that may be bothering them.
Some facts about men, sex and erection
There are lots of things that men come to believe
about sex that are untrue. Here are some statements that I
believe represent the real truth:
It is not the responsibility of a man to
satisfy a woman - at best, sex confers a joint responsibility to seek out
pleasure for both partners.
A big, erect penis is not essential to a woman's sexual pleasure. A soft or
semi-hard penis is not a disaster, no matter how often it happens..
A woman may or may not prefer penetrative sex to everything else. Often she just
enjoys being close emotionally and physically to her partner.
A man is a not a constant sex machine and he cannot always get an erection, but
even so, he and his partner can still enjoy sexual pleasure.
Sexual activity changes with age, but it can be just as enjoyable. It may take
longer for one's penis to become erect and it may require physical stimulation to
get it there, but a man's
orgasms can be just as intense, and a woman is likely to be more satisfied with
the gentler pace and sensitivity of a more mature man.
Erections may be softer
than before, yet they provide all the physical pleasure of the rock hard penis
I have many emails from younger men who say that everything is fine until
they try to put on a condom - then their erection disappears, and that, so to
speak, is that.
And many young men have written to me saying that their erection is fine
until they are about to penetrate their partner, and then their penis collapses.
In reality, most loss of erection is due to
performance anxiety - "will I measure up?"
fear of rejection by the
fear of not being able to perform because you lost your erection once
with, or taking too much responsibility for, the woman's pleasure.
In dealing with such situations, start from where you know you are confident.
So if kissing and cuddling arouses you and produces a hard erection while you
are fully clothed, that is a starting point for you. You can begin your
self-help treatment by playing around with your partner while you have your
Later she can stimulate your penis while you still have your clothes on.
Next, she can play with you while you have your trousers off but your underwear
This is a kind of gradual desensitization process, gradually working out from
sexual situations where you can keep an erection until you are more confident.
You might move on to oral sex before you try full penetration. A good method
of stimulating an erection is oral sex. As your partner stimulates you with her
mouth, enjoy a fantasy to help reduce your own anxiety.
Once you are confident that you can get and keep
an erection like this, you can then move on to an orgasm achieved by means of
manual or oral stimulation.
Let me also remind you that lack of an erection does
not say anything about your degree of manliness or masculinity!
Now, let us suppose that you have an erection waiting to do what it naturally
wants to - enter a willing and receptive vagina!
The first step is to enter the vagina for just a little while - not with the
expectation of sexual intercourse, but with the simple objective of being in
there and remaining erect. You can thrust for a little while, but do not
ejaculate inside your partner.
Enjoy your orgasm after you withdraw. You
may want to enter and withdraw a few times, with a few thrusts each time, and
reinforce your erection with hand or mouth stimulation from your partner if yoru
And it may be easier for you if you have your female partner on top,
and she guides your penis in and out of her vagina, thrusting herself a few
times while you are inside her.
You now simply move on to ejaculate inside your partner
if you feel you want to. This is not about satisfying
the needs of your partner through intercourse but about helping you get rid of your erectile
problems. If she doesn't come as you thrust
till you reach your own orgasm, then she can have an orgasm through clitoral stimulation
after you have finished.
Or maybe the fiddling with the condom is off-putting and seems like an
embarrassment if the man isn't experienced.
The best way to deal with his is to have your partner put it on for you as
part of your sexual play - this can then become a very sexy signal that you are
about to penetrate her! In these situations a condom becomes sexually
stimulating rather than interrupting your sex.
There is another simple solution to this problem. You can use the female condom. You can
read more about this miracle of modern sexual technology on the condom page of
It helps a lot of couples who want safe sex by giving you an
unencumbered feeling for the man. The female condom is very thin, sensitive and
transmits the warmth of the vagina very readily, so it feels very natural.
Video - Dealing With Erection Problems
How to get your erection back -
whatever the reason it's gone away!
This is a way of touching your partner delicately and
sensitively in a sensual (not sexual) way. Such touching can be very helpful to
keep a couple feeling emotionally close no matter what the state of your
erections or the level of your sexual satisfaction.
Sensate focus allows couples to
concentrate on touching the person, not the body or the sex act, and it is
inherently rewarding to give and receive.
It concentrates on sensual
rather than sexual pleasure, it fulfills a deep need to be touched - present
from birth in all of us, but very often neglected or ignored, especially by men
- and it communicates very effectively that someone cares deeply about us.
Further, delicate touch reduces
emotional and physical tension, and when it is made clear that the goal of the
touching is not to be sexual, but just to be touched and enjoy the feelings, any
level of performance anxiety is lessened.
The man does not need to have an
erect penis, and the woman is not expected to be so sexily alluring that he gets
one; orgasm is forbidden, so to speak, which means the pressure is off.
It's simple. First, sex is not
allowed. However arousing the process may be, forget touching the penis or
vulva, and put off the idea of orgasms and intercourse for the moment. Then
decide who is going to receive the pleasurable touch first.
Remember, this needs some time
set aside without fear of interruption or distraction.
Let's assume that you, the man,
is receiving first. Lie down, on your belly, naked, warm, and comfortable. Think
in terms of giving yourself up to the experience.
Your partner will caress you
gently, stroking along your body from top to toe.
She starts with the back of your
head, ears and neck. Her caresses should be gentle and tender, delivered with
care and love or affection. She can use her lips, tongue or fingers, the palms
of her hands or the balls of her thumbs. Since this experience is about your
pleasure, don't worry about her feelings.
Rather, concentrate on what it's
like to receive this gentle touch, focusing on the experience, and what
sensations you feel in your skin wherever she is touching you.
If your mind wanders, just bring
it back, and let her know how she is doing - for example, if you would like her
to move more slowly, or more gently, or more firmly, or use her lips instead of
her fingers, or whatever, tell her.
If it feels good or very
pleasant, ask her to repeat it - you are very likely to find some areas seem
much more exquisitely sensitive than others as she moves her hands or lips over
your body. There should be no touch to your penis at this stage!
She will work her way down your
body slowly, down your sides, back, buttocks, the inside of your thighs, sides
of your legs, and the backs of your legs. And you may like her to pay special
attention to your feet, which are very sensitive areas for most of us.
The same process applies all the
way down - gentle, delicate caresses. Some men and women find that the very
lightest of touches - just the brush of the finger tips with so little pressure
that it only moves the hairs on the body - is very stimulating and sensuous.
At some point, you will be turn
over so that she can follow the same process on the front of your body. Again
being delicate and sensitive, she starts with gentle touches and caresses to the
top of your head and works her way down your face, neck, arms, chest and
She does not, however, touch your
penis or balls.
She then moves down your legs and
on to your feet. She will be using as much sensitivity as she can find during
this process, and it is possible that you may get an erection - that is neither
good nor bad, it just is, but leave it alone. Once again, the object of the
exercise is not to be sexual.
After you are happy with what you
have received, it's your turn to give to her. The process is exactly the same,
except that you are going to avoid her nipples, clitoris and vulva.
Just concentrate on caressing the
rest of her body in a delicate, gentle and sensuous manner.
You don't need an instruction
book to do this, just follow your instincts and do whatever feels natural or
whatever she indicates is nice for her.
With anything as intimate as this
it helps if you can talk to each other about what you were feeling and
The end point of this exercise is
to be able as a couple to do this comfortably and regularly - it may take about
two weeks of practice to be happy about it.
The next stage of the process is
the addition of a similar sort of gentle touching of breasts, nipples, clitoris,
vulva, penis, the vaginal opening, and the testicles.
Once again, the way to do it is
to be sensitive and accepting, not to expect or hope for sexual arousal, just to
experience the sensations and accept what it feels like, and to go with whatever
the process brings up in terms of emotions or feelings.
Most couples find the absence of
the man's erection or the woman's lubrication is not a barrier to the giving and
receiving of pleasure.
And really, when you think about
it, what a great thing to know: that the lips and fingers can provide sensuous
pleasure. If you do get carried away, and find you have extremely erotic
feelings and go on to have sex, try to go back to the process next time.
Video - sensate focus
Sensate Focus 2 - Genital Pleasure
Again, this process of giving and receiving pleasure is meant to be
independent of orgasm, so avoid anything that is likely to make either partner
And if you do not get an erection, it doesn't matter. Neither of you is out
to sexually satisfy the other, and the objective is just to enjoy the
Your female partner will tease and caress your penis, scrotum, pubic area and
your inner thighs with her fingers, lips, tongue and whatever else she thinks of
while you lie back and enjoy the sensations.
After you have had enough, whether your penis is hard or not - and, by the
way, don't ask your partner to masturbate you to orgasm if you get hard - it is
the woman's turn to receive the pleasure. Start by gently going over her whole
But this time spend only a few minutes doing this, then turn to her breasts,
kissing and teasing her nipples, playing with her pubic hair, teasing the lips
of her vagina, stroking her clitoris lightly, and just playing with the outer
parts of her vulva.
After a few minutes of this, or when she indicates she is ready, stroke the
skin on ether side of her clitoris lightly, not touching the bud of her clitoris
unless she indicates she is ready and willing - it is often too sensitive for
women to take a direct manipulation.
Don't put a finger into her vagina at this stage - just gently arouse the
external parts of her feminine areas.
When you do this to your female partner, be gentle and imaginative.
Stop stroking her clitoris, or the skin either side of it, to go to another
part of her genitals, then come back - be teasing, and stimulate her.
Be sure to ask her what she would like, and what she wants, and get feedback
- also, tell her how the experience is for you, and how you feel, seeing her
respond to your stimulation: does it excite you to tease her in this way?
Does it make you feel sexually aroused, seeing her respond to your touch?
Don't bring her off, just let her take pleasure in being touched gently.
The reason this can be sexually arousing is that the pressure associated with
sexual intercourse is removed, and so is the fear and tension that goes with
such pressure. In such a relaxed situation, the man's sexual responses are not
put to the test.
For the woman, lubrication and desire for penetration are very common
reactions - often accompanied by a level of arousal that she had forgotten she
was capable of or had never known was possible for her.
Sensate Focus 3 -
orgasm outside the vagina
This means you are now going to
enjoy orgasm without intercourse. Actually, the process is just the same as
Sensate Focus 2, but this time you and your partner will be having an orgasm.
You caress each other gently all
over the body and finish by stroking the penis and clitoris until you reach
orgasm, one after the other.
The next step is to put your
erect penis inside your partner's vagina as she sits astride you. At first, the
objective is just to enjoy the sensations with no pressure for intercourse, no
thrusting, and no expectation of orgasm.
As you realize that your erection
is firm and see that it remains so, the woman can begin gentle movements of her
hips - not vigorous pelvic thrusting, just gentle rocking and swaying of her
This movement is a natural one
for a woman in a high state of arousal, but even if she isn't aroused, she can
easily rock gently to provide you and her with sensations of movement, pressure
and warmth. It can actually be a highly erotic and sensuous experience for both
partners, and often leads to a very rapid increase in sexual confidence.
If it makes you feel easier, let
her direct the process of entry and withdrawal, and hip rocking and gentle
Or if you feel more confident
being in charge, then you direct events. Do whatever makes it most relaxed for
As confidence increases, you can
begin to thrust gently a few times. However, you are not to ejaculate inside her
at this stage! At this stage of the process, you ejaculate outside her vagina.
Do this until you are happy and confident about your ability to keep a full
Sensate Focus 4 - Moving on to full sexual intercourse
Make sure that your partner has an orgasm if
she wants one, but remember you are involved in a process that is designed to
get you back to sexual fitness.
So, for the moment, be selfish.
As you penetrate her vagina, and begin to thrust with your penis, do whatever
you need to feel confident that your erection is here to stay. Indulge yourself
with sexual fantasy.
Use whatever position, speed or
force of thrusting you want, abandon yourself to your emotions and ejaculate
inside or outside her vagina as you wish.
The period during which you move
back towards full vaginal intercourse is one in which you put no pressure on
yourself and your erection - and if you have any doubts about your ability to
come inside her, then withdraw and have an orgasm outside her vagina.
Sooner or later you will be
secure in your ability to have full intercourse. And if you have any doubts, you
can always go back to these techniques, and re-establish your confidence in your
ability to stay hard.
2 Vacuum Erection Devices
These represent one method of
dealing with erectile dysfunction, and despite the problems listed below can
give good results in generating an erection suitable for intercourse..
The vacuum erection device (recently renamed the vacuum
constriction device) consists of a plastic cylinder that fits over the penis.
This cylinder is connected either directly or by tubing to a vacuum generating
source (a manual or a battery-operated pump).
Once the penis is engorged with
blood due to the negative pressure, a constricting ring is then applied to the
base of the penis to maintain the erection. To minimize injury to the penis, the
ring should not be left in place for longer than 30 minutes.
The erection resulting from
a vacuum device
is different from a natural spontaneous erection or one produced by Viagra.
First of all, that portion of the penis between the ring and the abdominal
wall is not rigid. Sometimes this causes a lack of good base support and can
result in a rotating, pivoting effect.
After a few minutes the penile skin becomes cold and sometimes dusky.
Also, ejaculation is different in that the semen usually goes retrograde as it
is trapped by the constricting ring. Sometimes the ring can be uncomfortable or
Some patients have additional numbness in the penis and develop
bruising and bleeding below the skin (ecchymosis and petechiae). And men taking
aspirin or Cournadin should exercise extreme caution when using these devices.
The majority of men, on the other hand, did report satisfaction in terms of
penile rigidity, length, and circumference.
They also reported good partner satisfaction. These vacuum devices are
contraindicated in patients with unexplained intermittent priapism and bleeding
In patients with severe venous leakage or arterial insufficiency, fibrosis
caused by priapism, or an infection from a prosthetic device, the vacuum device
may not produce adequate erections.
In those men, combining Viagra with the
vacuum erection device may enhance the erection. The device may also be used
successfully with men who have a malfunctioning penile implant in place.
The vacuum constriction device is much more acceptable to older men in a steady
relationship than the young single man. He will find it much more difficult to
explain to his partner why he has to use the mechanical device to enjoy
intercourse or fellatio!