Solving the problem of delayed ejaculation
The first step towards treating delayed ejaculation is to be committed to learning a different way of being sexual, and to know that your lover or partner is fully supportive in the process.
If she is not going to work with you, then you have another issue to deal with, for she must be accepting of the idea that penile-vaginal intercourse may not be a part of your love life for a time while you focus on a different way of being sexual.
The next step in the process is to understand and accept that your whole body is an erogenous zone. All of your body can be used to please you sensuously and sexually.
While many men know that a woman wants to be touched sensuously all over, not just on her nipples, breasts and vulva, we are less accustomed to thinking of men as having the capacity to be aroused by touch.
This has a lot to do with the way boys are brought up - that is, they learn that manly touch is a slap on the back, an elbow in the ribs, or a firm handshake.
Other touching, they may be taught, is "gay" or "sissy" or "feminine". In reality, touch is the basis of tender loving affection, which we all experience as babies, and which we continue to crave throughout our lives.
Without physical touch, we can literally lose touch in an emotional sense with our lovers. Touch is great to both give and receive, and when given without the expectation of sex, can be a tremendously sensual experience in its own right.
Next, stop thinking of sex as a sequence of events - foreplay, penile penetration, intercourse, lying together afterwards.
Think rather of the pleasure of lovemaking as a whole.
Then your model of lovemaking can include talking, massage, fondling, lying side by side holding hands, caressing, kissing, rolling around on top of and underneath each other, licking, sucking, and fondling all the bits of each other's bodies, including the penis and vulva.
For example, have you ever experienced the sensuality of a foot massage, or sucked your partner's toes, or licked the area between area between them? No?
Then why not give it a try? But remember to do it in a relaxed way!
And of course you may begin to see how much fun there is to be had in all aspects of sensual connection when your partner is happy to share in the fun. If she's not supportive, however, lovemaking is constrained, prescribed, and less than it might be.
And if your partner is not giving you what you want, perhaps your penis is withholding what you can give her in return?
You may have learnt a very different style of lovemaking - a few perfunctory gropes and kisses, a bit of licking and nibbling, no holding or cuddling, and then straight into the penis-in-vagina routine. But this will certainly not satisfy most women, and it will not arouse you much either.
When you begin this new stuff about being held or cuddled by your lover, engaging in this delicate sensual touch, perhaps thinking it's a waste of time, that you should be getting down to the sexy stuff, you might feel uncomfortable.
If you find the idea of being held by your woman difficult, how do you react to the suggestion that you might let your her touch and caress you in this sensual way while you lie back and enjoy it? Yes, that means not being in control!
A frightening thought, perhaps. So take it from me, it can be very arousing for a woman to find that her man trusts her enough to lie back and let her touch him gently, sensuously and lovingly.
All of this reflects the way men are brought up to regard sex: as something that a man has to get off a woman, an achievement that proves his masculinity, perhaps, or as something he has to do to her, rather than with her.
If you think like this, then you might like to try and change your point of view. See cuddling and touching each other as something you are doing for yourself and your own greater sexual enjoyment as well as your partner's.
Remember, the aim of touching and gently caressing is to become relaxed, connected and intimate with your lover. Why does this matter?
I don't know if you have ever experienced that strange sense of being detached from what you are doing, or just plain bored, during sex?
This is the kind of feeling that makes sex unsatisfactory, makes a hard penis turn soft, and causes ejaculations to stop happening.
And generally it means that you are uncomfortable with the process, or unhappy not being in control, or uncomfortable with physical or emotional intimacy.
(Maybe even that you would rather be somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else. If that is the case, then the relationship may be doomed anyway.)
Women are quick to sense when their partner is bored with sensual play, and they may feel turned off by the discovery - why should they give themselves to someone who is detached from what they see as an essential part of the process of lovemaking?
So try, no matter how difficult it may be, to engage fully in the process, and also tell your lover what you are experiencing - even if that means telling her that you find it difficult to relax during sensual play, but that you would like to learn how to do so, and meanwhile you would like to know how best to give her pleasure.
In short, friendly, relaxed touching is at the heart of a woman's experience of arousal - but what we do not appreciate is that it is essential for most men as well.
The simple fact is that men who engage in sensual touching and being touched are often amazed at how quickly their sexual difficulties improve, intimacy is reestablished, and how enjoyable and successful their lovemaking becomes.
And, by the way, touching is not something that should be limited to sexual encounters - couples who touch each other regularly in a non-sexual way, with no expectation that sex will follow (apparently men often assume touch equals sex), will have a much better quality of relationship than couples who touch each other only rarely.
So why don't you set about finding the most sensitive bits of your partner's body and the way she likes them to be stimulated?
A word about massage
Massage is a great way of offering and receiving loving touch, and even if a man is reluctant to receive it at any length, he can really enjoy the experience of massaging his lover, for it communicates emotions, closeness and caring in a way that men often find difficult to put into words. I recommend these sites as good sources of information.
How to ejaculate during sex
So, on to the physical issues. You've established some communication and trust with your lover, maybe you've used sensual massage to become more intimate and connected, and you now want to have intercourse with normal orgasm and ejaculation.
One indicator of the progress towards genuine sexual arousal is the extent to which you experience genuine feeling in your penis.
Erections accompanied by erotic feeling are a sure sign of genuine sexual arousal - a product of the freedom to express your sexuality as it really is, rather than as you feel another expects it to be.
And the fantasy you experience can also reveal how much you are liberated from the expectation that you will be either controlling or passive during sex - as opposed to just being yourself and expressing your own desires and needs.
The key, really, is the first orgasm and ejaculation that is the result of genuine sexual arousal and desire, rather than you feeling obliged to have an orgasm for some reason or other.
To achieve such an orgasm you may need to accept that you feel no attraction to your partner, with all the implications that brings with it (like the end of the relationship).
If a relationship is worth keeping, then a good first step is to stop feeling used, and to stop believing that you have to have a reason for sex (like "your partner wants you to satisfy her").
To admit, perhaps, that you want emotional satisfaction, or that you want to be held more than you want sex, is a good next step. And to ask your partner for what you want is even better.
But more than anything, the intellectual and emotional understanding that you need to be aroused before you can really enjoy sexual intercourse is what makes everything slot into place.
If you think you are aroused during sex, ask yourself if this experience is similar to the one you have during masturbation - when you are genuinely aroused and orgasm is easy to attain.
If it isn't, then you may not be aroused during sex, and you may need to go over the techniques described above one again to connect with your desires and to become aroused. Patience and assertiveness about your own needs and wants are important here.
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