A Reader Asks About Penis Size And Being A Good Lover
Email from a 21 year old reader: I need some help please. You know how important the state of a penis is to a man so I do not need to say how grateful I would be if you would answer me in the best way and soonest you can. I have read most of what you've written about erectile dysfunction up to the point of the first exercises of sensate focus.
I've tried looking up more about sensate focus. Not a whole lot, just a bit and I didn't find much. I've watched some illustration clips of examples to be carried out. I'm 20 years old, I have erectile dysfunction. It is not severe but it is there, and it affects us. I can't trust it alone in my state because my erection will fail on me in matters of seconds.
My cause is performance anxiety and penis size worries. I have an obsession to be so good she's not tempted to have sex with someone else. I was bullied as a child and ridiculed up till my mid teens, and this might be why I'm so obsessive about avoiding a girl cheating on me. Also, being in this state, I have watched a lot of pornography, this has affected me also, regarding penis size, duration, and the way mind arousal dominated my physical.
After reading your article it made me worse, way worse. I was starting to tremble with fear an hour before I meet her, and I started shaking and suppressing tears when I failed. I have anxiety about anxiety! What I have grasped from your article up till now is that I need to focus solely on physical arousal. I thought that if I look at something that arouses me the slightest bit I should stop right there since it is related to fantasizing. But right now I'm beginning to think that maybe while I'm trying to cure myself I got the the other edge, about the mind. Should I or should I not put my mind elsewhere if I see something that makes me aroused? I've quit pornography obviously. I've quit it a few months before I found your article.
What I need to ask you now is about sensate focus. I have tried it today for the first time. We touched. No genitals, no talking, but at the end of the first 15 minutes that I was giving her attention, I started kissing her softly and then we turned to very light smooching. Then it was her turn and after a bit we did the same thing.
Have I broken the rules that way? Do our senses improve as many times as we do this? and the most important question, does this really help my impotence? Or is it just a further way to stimulate me? Do I have to approach this way every time I want it to get up a bit better? I was erect whilst we were doing it but it's not like I'm seeing any differences really. Please help me. I'll be waiting, and thanks in advance.
Answer: I think you will be OK using fantasy. If the process makes you worse, then don't use it as set out: try something different! Just engage in gentle caressing and touching, exploring each other's bodies and enjoying the sensuality of light touch. But initially, postpone sex so that the pressure is taken off you. When you are comfortable being naked around her, and you can get an erection and keep it - the point being you know you aren't going to have sex, so there's no need for anxiety about losing your erection - then play with it: let her masturbate you or give you oral sex. But stop thinking about sex for a while, so you can be comfortable together.
After a while, you will want to have penetrative sex. That's when the pressure starts again. The best way to deal with performance pressure is for you to give her an orgasm before you even get down to penetration. Lick her or masturbate her till she's had an orgasm. Forget this nonsense about giving her an orgasm during sex: it doesn't work that way. Once you can get into a different mindset, then you can have penetrative sex without anxiety or fear because her happiness is not depending on it. You can just enter her and enjoy the warmth of being in her without feeling sexual pressure. Take it easy, in slow steps - and above all, TALK to her about it!
Reply: I cannot feel so masculine when I do not have adequate penis size. I am not the best example of something which fascinates women so much. Even just looking at it turns them on. How can I feel masculine when I know that 1/3 of all men are bigger than me? I hope I do not sound rude but it is what comes to my head whenever I read something about penis size is not important or doesn't matter that much. Whoever feels masculine about something that he has less of than most men is living in an illusion. A bigger penis is better, and that is it. Full stop. Does it feel better when its bigger? Yes it does. So size does matter. A lot. Whatever else affects the woman, fine, that is important, and maybe some things are more important than the size of her lover's penis, but that is still very important. You mentioned male characteristics: loyalty, strength, truth, love, courage, masculinity. Sure, which woman wouldn't want all those AND a big dick? Name me one. Yes they are important but so is the cock. Those values do not take away the effects of a larger penis, like when it comes to physical pleasure during sex. My girlfriend happens to have an E cup breast so I can't agree with you that men like large breasts but breast size doesn't determine whether a man has a relationship..... actually in fact, sometimes I think over and over again, how she, who has large breasts would be more suited with a man who is well endowed. Then they would be at the same level. Of course, I would not choose a woman solely on her breasts. They are sexy, but that is just it. They are arousing to look at, fun to play with, but the matter of dick size is different. That affects the whole aspect of sex. Size alone can make a real difference. All women fantasize about a massive cock, and the jealousy and hurt I feel while I think about it crushes me.
You say it is not all there is to a man, but it is part of it! A part which I don't have, and will do anything to get it! Anything. Well, except surgery is no option, you're better off without it. With the few jelqs I've done my cock seems to have gotten yet bigger now, a bit longer and thicker, even yesterday. It had been a bit of a while since we saw a size increase. Nothing this month until yesterday. Now I don't know if it is because I am having better erections, or because I've bought a different set of arginine pills, ones dedicated to just arginine instead of arginine mixed with ornithine. Equal dosages of arginine in my intake but maybe arginine alone is absorbed better. She's on her period, she was just intending to give me a satisfying blowjob and she looked at it, and went "Well, you want to do it?" I said with a smirk, "Why, it seems bigger huh?" and she smiled sheepishly and admitted like....yeah.
She doesn't know I'm jelqing, or using arginine. I cannot put myself equal until I know she is enjoying at the peak of her experiences. For me sex is primarily about pleasuring the woman. It is the source of my anxiety and it is there because I know how important it is for a woman and how high the probability is for that women to find it from somewhere else if she doesn't get it from me.
Me and Helen talk so openly, that she even admitted when I asked her about sex, was I tense in my fucking, and if things did not improve, what would happen, she said yes, she would be tempted to leave me for another man who could satisfy her. But she's seen how easily I overcame tension during sex once I realized about it and she has hope in me, that I will get through every obstacle, like I always do with everything. It's about the power of the mind breaking though.
I have read what women want during sex and it was so interesting. really, thank you, I have yet to check out thoroughly the rest of the site and www.head-heart-and-balls.com. Thank you for all this information.
I know I am asking a lot of questions but these are all ones that are of great value to me, please try to answer them all. I have a few more. After the third time we stopped sensate focus, we just had sex, we wanted it and just went for it. If during the times we do have intercourse I focus a lot on the physical arousal, regularly, every time, would my erectile dysfunction go away slowly? Or do I have to follow the exercises? I have to note, my erection has improved. It doesn't go down like before, only just a bit, and then, if I leave it for half a minute my cock gets up quicker too. but it is still not so normal. For example, it is not considerably erect when still in my pants. I still need a bit of stimulation to get a full erection.....would this stop happening with my new approach eg, when I stop to really appreciate the feel of her sucking my penis?
I am going to buy your program on premature ejaculation (it is yours, right?)
Also, I've made her cum through her G spot with my fingers, even multiple times, and my dick is bent so that if we do it from behind it hits her G spot so I've made her reach orgasm once or twice during sex too. But I know that masturbating her and fucking her is different. She's said that she's satisfied that way (and I was the first man to take her to orgasm) but she's also told me that fucking is more fun.
But even though she comes form masturbation and sex play it's still pestering me. She's had fun doing this today, when we were clothed in the car, and she told me she got really wet afterwards. But because she's younger than me and she has important exams right now it's not like we can meet for as long as we want.
Is it true that by just letting go of the anxiety my cock and my erection would return to normal? It's kind of hard to believe, because my erection fails on me even when I'm not tense or thinking about something unpleasant or anything. I don't mean in front of my girlfriend, but even when I'm in the bathroom, say.....it's always losing its erection. It never maintains it, even when I used to masturbate before I met her.
When we have sex, when I get to the final part, where I put my dick in her...does a condom affect my erection do you think? We usually always use a condom, only when we do it 3 times in a day the 3rd time we don't use a condom.
My reply: Using a condom should be OK. Tell me though, why the third time? You could still get her pregnant you know on the third time....equally you won't be protected against sexually transmitted infections....
His answer: The third time because the penis doest let out much excitement fluid or whatever it is. Pre-cum right? And so that I enjoy it more 'cos after the 3rd time my cock becomes a little numb you know? I always take care to withdraw before I'm about to ejaculate. I'm going to start practicing on my own masturbation to the plateau phase of the sexual response cycle and back. I've got a few questions though. How can I lower down my arousal without stopping? That is the catch, somewhere I read that the man can have control over his arousal - i.e. whether to raise it or lower it, but to lower it below the plateau Phase I would have to stop, and it really pisses off a girl when you stop. Also, in the article it said you have to find a certain way to fuck that both leaves you at plateau and gives a good time for both the man and woman. So that limits the way you fuck right? you're not really in control, you can't fuck fast or vary the way you enter it like I do.
And also: a question about anal intercourse maybe you would know and would care to answer. Yesterday she asked if I wanted to try it. She knew I wanted it, she never did it before. We usually have sex in this holiday flat we have, not at home, and I searched for some lube but I didn't find any. However I did find something that really smelt like it but now I know it isn't, because as I slid a finger inside with the lube, it left a cold effect, and as I tried to enter it got on my penis and it felt kind of numb and cold at the top. Do you think its one of those anesthetic creams? Maybe my parents left it there as a product of their experimentation!! I think those are the effects of something anesthetic right? Anyway my dick went kind of soft on me as a result and as I tried to enter her anus, just the head of my cock, she screamed and told me to take it off because she was really hurting... a friend of her had told her that it always hurts. What should I do so that it enters better and she is more at ease?
My answer: First things first - you can still get her pregnant even on the third time and even if you pull your penis out before you ejaculate. So I strongly suggest you get her on the pill as soon as possible or you might find you're a dad sooner than you expected. Having a child needs to be a conscious decision, not something that happens by chance.
Second, there are two main ways to get greater ejaculatory control - the first is to pull out and stop repeatedly - and yes, it may piss her off, but there again in the long run it gets better....and yes, you can do a certain amount of training during masturbation which will really help.
The other way is to get to the very verge of ejaculating, then briefly pause. If you can judge this correctly, and stop moving, let the pulsations die down, then start again, you'll find you can go on much longer. You may even find that you lose the sense of even being close to ejaculation, and this gives you the opportunity to find out how control is possible: you have to really speed up and thrust harder to come in these circumstances. As for anal sex : well, this may be helpful!
His response: You're right you know. I wouldn't be horrified to have a baby with her but ye it would affect us, the fact that we didn't plan on it, and that she's only 17. She is way more mature for her age but still, she has an academic career and all that. I don't want to ruin her life.
BTW we didn't used to pull out, we just stopped moving. I've always known where the point of no return is, but when even when I stop, and then start thrusting my penis in her vagina again, I am about to cum in the next 20 seconds, sometimes even 5 seconds after I've decided it's all subdued and my arousal has dropped. Either that, or I stop thrusting before the point of no return, and her vaginal warmth just keeps me moving closer to the point of no return till I finally come. The stop-start method does not work for me. Note that this is while using a condom, but with or without the condom doesn't make much difference for me. And sometimes I thrust slow, but most of the time I do it really really fast.
Yesterday I had this peculiar experience I don't know if its relevant to having sex without premature ejaculation. We went to the flat again. I wasn't especially horny. Not that I wasn't in the mood, just calm about it and really relaxed. We didn't have time for all the foreplay and sex, but she was lying on me and she asked me if I wanted a blowjob, she was sort of laughing and it's not like I was going to turn it down. So she started sucking me off and giving me head and I kept focusing on the physical feeling rather than getting excited with what I was seeing - her giving me head - so then I started taking note of my arousal. It goes up fast at first right? I begin to think I might be getting some understanding of the way arousal progresses......so then it stays somewhere in the middle, and all the time I was really enjoying it....my cock got really really hard, I even had a vein standing out which doesn't usually come up so much, indeed I never saw my cock as hard as that before, but when I thought about the arousal going down, it did. In fact I didn't ejaculate - in fact I almost couldn't reach orgasm. After about half an hour I told her to play with my balls and I started masturbating a bit fast so that I did ejaculate. But I had a long way to go till Ii came! This seems strange, but does any of this have anything to do with what you were saying in your article?
My response: I think the experience in the flat shows the way your thoughts are affecting how quickly you come....see the moment you think about arousal going down, it does? That looks like performance anxiety to me....equally, when you expect to ejaculate fast in a few seconds after stopping during sex, you do......and I understand that, I've been there myself! So - try slowing down. Keep your instincts to thrust your penis into her hard and fast under control.
Relax your muscles...try other sexual positions, like having her on top during intercourse. Don't thrust. Let her move on you more slowly than normal. Tell her to stop every minute or so. Let your arousal drop. Get used to the feeling of your hard cock being in her pussy, so it doesn't excite you as much. Prolong this as long as you can. its a matter of keeping your lust under control as much as anything. The blow job experience shows you do have control - plenty of it, in fact, if you can just access it.
Let me remind you that the work you're doing now will make you a superb lover in years to come. This is exceptional for a man of your age, most of whom just want to ejaculate and move on.....
And he responds: I did it man! Today I lasted 30 minutes the first time we had sex. I hadn't ejaculated before today. I was thinking to myself, do it just like you did with the oral sex, just do what you did with the oral sex, but as you can imagine, doubt was starting to creep in, mostly because this time it really mattered if I lasted or not...but anyway, I decided to be confident that I would be able to last during intercourse and I did! Only three short days after I had read your website on how to control ejaculation I could thrust extremely fast and pump her hard, or even squeeze deep and all the time maintaining complete control of my arousal. I am going to keep practicing during my masturbation everyday so that my ability to control my ejaculation keeps improving. What's more, I actually lasted 20 minutes from rear entry and while thrusting fast. Yes, this is wonderful and great, but the catch was that for some silly reason towards the end I started to sense I was losing my erection quite a bit, but I think this is because I did not have my contact lenses on, and I hate enjoying intercourse with my glasses on so I couldn't see a damn thing...I would guess that with my contact lenses I could both keep my erection and last that long too. I can finally do it good to her without interruptions!
I came after 20 minutes because I decided to - my erection was starting to decline. I had practiced twice on masturbation before we had sex today. We had sex at noon on my working day break every day, and I found it's best to practice when I am not really feeling very horny, because what I discovered was that my judgment was affected a bit by that and it was tempting to just carry on and let go past the point of no return. I practiced more today and I had a bit more direct control over my level of sexual arousal. So when we had sex, I was pumping it fast and I still managed to keep perfect control and even get lower arousal while pumping it fast.
I measured my dick again, first time since I met her. At bone-pressed full erection it's 7 inches! I feel that I'm close to the goal of 8 to 8.5 inches which is the ideal length for a woman. I'm still a bit short on girth at 5 inches. I want it 6.5 inches, which is said to be the ideal, but theoretically the penis extender should give me another inch of girth eventually.
I am going to order the x4 labs extender today or tomorrow. It was a choice between that and size genetics extender. I think I will be better off with that one, it seems to be the safest and most comfortable, with the best adjustments for guiding the stretch on the penis. Its material quality seems also in line with the best out there.
Thank you for all this, you've played quite a part in my search for becoming a good lover. I only wish I'd started out at the age of 16 or so. I've only been in this game for 4 months...it's kind of embarrassing. I'm 21, and I only have 4 months' sexual experience. If I had started at 16 at least by now I would've been very good.
Another email: Yesterday we had sex, my erectile dysfunction and erection problems are getting less significant. My lover told me last week that I had gone longer than her last lover - I lasted longer!! And she also told me that I had become better in technique, and the only problem now was that I ejaculated too soon...but this time I came twice: first time she was giving me oral pleasure, and my penis kept its erection somewhat after I came so we moved into sex without stopping. I am trying to focus on physical pleasure, but whenever I see her gorgeous body or her mouth sucking my cock, my mental arousal soars, and I just have to close my eyes. I feel I am trying to equalize both physical and mental arousal. During the blow job, I was going to ejaculate too soon so I told her. I was beginning to feel despairing, but she said "It's ok, we'll just try later if you come now". So I thought yes, maybe 5 or 10 minutes after I've ejaculated. So I told her this and I came, and it felt mind-blowingly good. She was on her knees, I was standing up - this arouses me most in a blowjob, and I arched downwards with the force of my orgasm and ejaculation. I knelt down and started making out with her and I noticed my penis was still erect, so I told her we should try it. I already felt confidence knowing that I had just come....needless to say i started to worry about my erection going down, instead of premature ejaculation. And, indeed, it did go down a bit, but it was great and no complaints...however.....it is not possible that with just this approach that it is going to return completely normal. I still have a long way to go.
My response: Yes, but it sounds like things are going great - so how come you "know" you are going to hit a barrier? You can't possibly know that, can you? Isn't that just an expectation which may be right or wrong? However, keeping hard after you have ejaculated is very useful....a privilege of the young, and yes, it will take a lot longer second time around....I think there is more going on here.....and a clue was where you said in an earlier email about when she was speaking of her past lovers: "the jealousy and hurt I feel whilst I think about it crushes me." That is not the statement of a man who is confident in his own masculinity. That's a position which comes internally, emotionally, from knowing you are alright as you are, and total self-acceptance. I still think you are projecting all your self-doubt onto your cock size - especially as you are well above average at 7.5 inches anyway. If you are so much bigger than average - tell me if I have this wrong - then how can you possibly be OBJECTIVELY dissatisfied with your size?
Your obsession with being bigger begins to sound like an anorexic's protests that she is too fat when she is on the verge of dying because she's starved herself - in other words, a form of body dismorphobia http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Dismorphobia
I wonder if perhaps a little face to face counseling about your self confidence and self image might be helpful?
His reply: I will answer your questions, I hope I do not sound rude but it is what comes to my head whenever I read something about penis size is not important or doesn't matter that much. Whoever feels masculine about something that he has less of than most men is living in an illusion. A bigger penis is better, and that is it. Full stop. Does it feel better when its bigger? Yes it does. So size does matter. A lot. Whatever else affects the woman, fine, that is important, and maybe some things are more important than the size of her lover's penis, but that is still very important. You mentioned male characteristics: loyalty, strength, truth, love, courage, masculinity. Sure, which woman wouldn't want all those AND a big dick? Name me one. Yes they are important but so is the cock. Those values do not take away the effects of a larger penis, like when it comes to physical pleasure during sex. My girlfriend happens to have an E cup breast so I can't agree with you that men like large breasts but breast size doesn't determine whether a man has a relationship..... actually in fact, sometimes I think over and over again, how she, who has large breasts would be more suited with a man who is well endowed. Then they would be at the same level. Of course, I would not choose a woman solely on her breasts. They are sexy, but that is just it. They are arousing to look at, fun to play with, but the matter of dick size is different. That affects the whole aspect of sex. Size alone can make a real difference. All women fantasize about a massive cock, and the jealousy and hurt I feel while I think about it crushes me.
I am praying that my erectile dysfunction can be improved. So far I am seeing some results. I just know that I'll need more to become normal. As you can see I have some real psychological issues, ones which I feel have some real base to stand on. I don't just dismiss them as worthless. Even if I remain slightly impotent, I still want a bigger dick. I am going to try to get rid of this erectile dysfunction, and afterwards, I am going to buy a penis pump, and use it to help me jelq, and then I will buy a penis stretcher, one that affects girth also. His reply: I know that being intimate is different. We are crazy about each other, I pamper her and make her feel special everyday. I protect her, and help her any way I can. And we have a lot of foreplay before sex and we cuddle a lot afterwards, but the fact that this performance anxiety bothers me makes it seem less intimate sometimes after sex. This is going to sound silly, but we've even talked about how much we like the idea of having each other's child. And I can manage money, I'm committed, I'm tall, I'm strong, we are at level with one another, we really match, I'm responsible, I'm daring and that pulls her closer to me. I really have something big going on with this girl, we're really in love. I could imagine her being my wife. I also gathered that it is much more pleasing than someone using her for pleasure.
For me the big dick being so superior in pleasure is not a small thing. If she had met someone who cared for her too and then had a bigger sized dick, with sexual experience, I don't care to imagine the ecstasy she would feel. And how can I feel masculine when i know that 1/3 of all men are bigger?
My response: Andrew, this is your weak spot. The answer is easily if you know internally that you are masculine - while you continue to believe that masculinity depends on cock size, you'll never have a true sense of your own masculinity. The very fact that you ask the question shows you haven't grasped the real nature of masculinity, and you're still projecting your self-doubt on your cock. And she may well be going along with this to please you, not because it is important to her. Let me ask you another: would you prefer to be with a woman who rates men on their cock size or on their personal qualities like loyalty, strength, truth, love, courage, masculinity and so on?
To put it another way - would you choose a lifelong partner based on her breast size?
His response: She's seen though how easily I overcame that problem once I realized about it and she has hope in me, that I will get through every obstacle, like I always do with everything. It's very challenging though.
We've been together for only 4 months. We've become really close during this time. However she's 17, she's had sex before and I said we must always be open with each other. You could say that I started my sex life with her, and I know for a fact that one of her previous guys was better than me. My penis is the biggest she's had, at 6.5" length and 5" girth. I still have issues about penis size though, being so obsessive. I tend to think about what if she had met someone whose cock was bigger. Not as in close to average, but big, how much would she scream and all that stuff. I've got a problem round that but I think I can work it out on my own. When I read your article I noticed how helpful it already was that we always told the truth and up straight. However, I know for a fact that I'm not the best lover she's had. Apart from this erectile dysfunction I don't last long either, mostly due to anxiety and probably because I haven't gotten that much experience although we've had sex many times these 4 months, round 60 times in fact.
It is in my nature to please the woman, but I wouldn't going at it this strong if I knew I didn't have a future with this girl. I really can't imagine not being with her from to start to end. We are really in love. I have read the intimacy article. We are already so beyond that. The fact that she knows all my concerns about the penis size should show you that. She comes in and when I'm pissing and I don't mind it while she's looking at it.
She knows what makes me jealous, what thrills me. We laugh together, I tell her straight when I don't like something. I am myself, and so is she and we love everything about each other. Being like this with her, makes me want to give her everything she desires. And the thought of her being tempted to have sex with someone else because I lack enough cock size drives me crazy. This is why I am doing all this.
My penis size is 6.5 inches. I mentioned that I want the length of 7.5 inches. This is only 1 inch, 2.5 cm longer than the average - that is not big. Besides, I have read what a woman needs, and I believe being average or slightly above average in penis size doesn't mean a man is good for a woman. The ideal it seems for a woman is between 7.5 and 8 inches length and 6 to 6.5 inches girth. She will feel it so good when it is at that size. If I had the size of 8 inch length and 6.5 inch girth I would not want more. It is not an obsession of bigger bigger bigger. I know what is best though, and I want it so much. It can be a little hard to understand how much I want it. I am not sure about taking counseling. I have my doubts: would they be thinking a large size promotes "angry" sex or would they try to discourage my obsession in an indirect way.
Sure, being hard after you've ejaculated is useful, but at the age of 20 the erection I keep after I ejaculate should still be a bit better. I've more to work on, on the erectile dysfunction, but I think I'm going to switch to premature ejaculation. Success in other aspects will give me more self-esteem to succeed in other things, like the erectile dysfunction. Having proper intercourse without other problems interfering is also a huge boost. So I need to fix my premature ejaculation now. I think that it is much easier to solve than erectile dysfunction - easier as in I could understand and apply what I learn in our intercourse.
As for the dismorphobia, there may be factors of it in me. But all in all I am different because I know where my goal is. (Although the fact that my penis is bent downwards is bothering me too.) It doesn't feel as good when we have sex facing each other, as it would with a straight one or one bent upwards. I'd like to find out how to make it straight not bent in another direction. I am going to ask you a direct question about this one. Do you know how I could straighten my penis?
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